Just for a laugh - No AI please !

[Eastsidepilot]

I phoned up the costume hire shop to get a Dracula outfit for Haloween, when I went to collect it they handed me a Starmer look a like outfit,
They must of been a trifle deaf because I mentioned on the phone that I wanted to look like a Count !

 

[adrian]

thanks but it would be nice if we could veer away from political issues, when the world politics have gone mad and lost the plot, this is one of my last remaining vestiges of sanity.

 

[alastairq]

this is one of my last remaining vestiges of sanity.

Welcome to my world!!

 

[jcm@gwr]

I hope you remembered to put your clocks back yesterday, I did

 

[daifly]

I rather think you’ve done the opposite!

Dave

 

[Osgood]

Here you go:

 

[DavidB]

With both the time shift and jet lag, time feels like this to me:

 

[RichardG]

 

[Tom Insole]

I'm still trying to remember where I got all my clocks from. I know they were supposed to go back this weekend but if I can't remember where I got them from I can't take them back....

 

[Fitzroy]

I woke up bright and early the other day and my wife told me very firmly to turn back my clock, or something like that anyway.

 

[Heather Kay]

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he'd laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

 

[jcm@gwr]

If you write a poem about a GWR low-loader, does that make you a Poet Loriot?

 

[Bigjohn]

My old gran used to say
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away”

I was never quite sure what she meant


I suppose it was one of Granny’s myths ?????????

 

[Eastsidepilot]

"Now then Children...quiet please " said the teacher, "I want to hear your homework answers, a sentence with the word 'Contagious' in it"
"Johnny, yours's first please "
"Ok Miss"...." My Dad said the man next door was painting his house with a 2" paint brush and it will take the contagious"

 

[Osgood]

The very next lesson the teacher was educating the younger class about farming.
"Now then children, can anyone give me a farmyard noise?"
"Please Miss, I can do a cow"
"Go on then Sarah"
"Mooooo - moooo"
"Very good Sarah, anyone else?"
"Please Miss, I can do a farmer"
"A farmer, Johnny? Ok then....."



"GET OFF THAT BLOODY TRACTOR!"

 

[simond]

I thought the traditional sound was “GERROFF MY LAAAAND”

or perhaps “E I E I O”…

 

[Eastsidepilot]

A guy is driving his sports car quite fast through the country lanes when he notices in his rear view mirror a chicken ! following him, as he comes round a tight bend he opens up on a long straight only to be passed at high speed by the chicken which looks to have three legs ! He does his best to follow the chicken for about a mile when it suddenly turns off into a tight single track lane which ends up in a farm yard.
Pulling up in a cloud of dust the driver gets out and see's a farmer leaning on a gate, the farmer says "can I's 'elp you boy" the driver said "Yes! I've just been overtaken by a three legged chicken at over 60mph ! and I followed it in here, did you see it. The Farmer says " eye we breed's 'em boy"
"Really ?!" said the driver " Why ?" The farmer says " Well, I's like a leg, the missus likes a leg and my boy likes a leg"
The driver asks "What do they taste like " The farmer replies " I's don't know boy we aint ever caught no bastard "

 

[simond]

I shall use that in the pub…

 

[Eastsidepilot]

 

[Bigjohn]

Some days in one’s life seem etched in the memory.
I can remember the day that I stood at the end of the aisle and turning to see my wife walk slowly towards me looking radiant as she drew close we both smiled at each other and I remember saying “ push the trolly over here luv, the largers on a three for two offer”
Bigj