Just for a laugh

[Jordan]

Some railway related jokes, even if the link is only tenuous!!
These are probably repeats, especially from Over There, but still funny...











Oh the irony.... if he'd done what happened in the penultimate joke, the chap wouldn't have been in that position in the last one....

 

[Rob Pulham]

I just picked this one up from another forum.

 

[PhilH]

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[PhilH]

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[PhilH]

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[PhilH]

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[Richard Gawler]

A letter from the British Inland Revenue, reprinted in The Guardian 27/9/03
so twenty years ago, when we still had the art of letter writing.


Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last communication as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox onto the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations

 

[oldravendale]

Thanks for that, Richard. It's made my day! It's also evidence that, despite what we may think about the total lack of any sense of humour amongst those who work at the HMRC there are occasional areas of light in the darkness.

Brian

 

[Richard Gawler]

Thanks for that, Richard. It's made my day! It's also evidence that, despite what we may think about the total lack of any sense of humour amongst those who work at the HMRC there are occasional areas of light in the darkness.

Brian

Years ago I met an elderly lady in a hotel lounge and we spoke at length about the tax system. Eventually, and with a twinkle in her eye, she explained she had been a tax inspector. She told me "she knew full well what you boys and your accountants are up to" . . . but I got the feeling, HMRC are really, pretty human. They do their best to be non-judging, but they do get rubbed up the wrong way by people who take the mickey out of them. This would mean (at the time) the guys with a six-figure income who syphon it off through a limited company, drive around in a Porsche (or a Ferrari!) and yet always find themselves outside the scope of the tax and NI systems. I had only one problem with them, the time I inadvertendtly paid the PAYE into the CT account - I thought I was being held up to be shown to the World as the next Guy Fawkes.

(For completeness: PAYE and CT are different departments and in practice might as well be different organsiations. I was required to pay the PAYE at once (on threat of bailiffs), and then reclaim the overpaid CT if I wished. They charged me interest on the PAYE, and gave me interest on the CT; and I recall, at the end of the day, I was about 47p better off).

 

[simond]

As my tax tutor once said, (quoting Twain, perhaps, though I’d not bet money on it, at least, not my money),

“the art of taxation is to so pluck the goose as to obtain the greatest amount of feathers, with the least amount of hissing”

 

[DavidB]

Many years ago I played in a country dance band that was booked to provide the Christmas entertainment for a now long-closed Inland Revenue (that dates it) office. Our fee was paid . . . in cash!

 

[Genghis]

As my tax tutor once said, (quoting Twain, perhaps, though I’d not bet money on it, at least, not my money),

“the art of taxation is to so pluck the goose as to obtain the greatest amount of feathers, with the least amount of hissing”

Jean-Baptiste Colbert - Louis XIV's tax collector.

 

[simond]

“L'art de l'imposition consiste à plumer l'oie pour obtenir le plus possible de plumes avec le moins possible de cris.”

(I had to look up a translation to consider my own effort, for which I gave myself 6/10, but it’s early in the day…)

thanks Dave, an amusing rabbithole for breakfast. A few more like him would perhaps be an improvement.

 

[Jordan]

Thanks to recent posters on here for reminding me of the existence of this Thread.
With apologies to those who may already seen it on RMweb, I posted this Over There a few days ago, and was wondering where to put it on here. This thread is as good as anywhere....

'The evening switch job ground to an unexpected halt on the Portway Terminal RR today.
"Someone should do something about the bugs around here" grumbles 'Tiny' the Engineer....'

 

[Osgood]

Jordan's bug reminds me of this one - and you can even buy the Coyote Splat decals on Etsy....

 

[Allen M]

Many years ago I played in a country dance band that was booked to provide the Christmas entertainment for a now long-closed Inland Revenue (that dates it) office. Our fee was paid . . . in cash!

That's so that when they checked your tax returns they could see if it included cash payments. Cunning lot

Allen

 

[Richard Gawler]

One more, this one is closer to home for me . . .


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a woman down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the woman. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The woman below replies, “You must be a manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the woman, “You have got where you are with a load of hot air. You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The truth is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

 

[simond]

There's a roaring and growling of a high powered engine, which makes the old man prick up his ears. Eventually a Range Rover with personal plate heaves into sight on the hillside.

A very dapper young fellow gets out, slick suit, shiny shoes, neat hair, tie. "hi, you must be a shepherd?"

"Ar" says the old man.

"Would you like a bet?"

"Ar" says the old man.

"I bet you that I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, and if I can, you'll give me one".

"Sounds fair" says the old man.

The young man opens up the back doors of the Range Rover, slides out an instrument rack, unfolds a smal satellite dish, fiddles around with knobs, dials and keyboards for twenty minutes, and announces, flourishing a print out "you have 253 sheep".

"Ar" says the old man.

"so I can have one?" asks the young man

"that was the deal" says the old man.

So our hero folds up his satellite dish, pushes everything back into the storage space in the back of the car, grabs the nearest animal and loads it, and slams the door triumphantly, "thanks, Bye!"

"not so fast, young man, it's my turn now"

"Oh, er, ok", says the other.

"If I tell you what your job is, can I have that back?"

"Well, I suppose so" he agrees, reluctantly.

"you're one of these new-fangled management consultant, arent'ee?"

"why, yes, how did you know?"

"Well, you turn up here, uninvited. You charge me to tell me something I already know, and you know bu88er all about my job 'cos you took my dog..."

 

[PhilH]

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[PhilH]

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